Obedience Calls

It yields no easy answer… Some journeys must be taken alone. A truth I’ve come to recognize and do not enjoy. In a world full of people, it’s hard to imagine why the necessity for aloneness exists… But it does. Perhaps the greatest fear of being alone is not simply the lack of company, but the reason God thinks that for a time, for this time, it must only be me. An adventure I anticipated and played out in my head so many times will now bear a different landscape, a new story. Things that may have seemed ridiculous or funny in the company of two, now churn the stomach of one. But, as with most things in this Christian life, we do not move forward because it is fun or easy. We move forward because we’ve obediently placed one foot in front of the other… though we fear flying solo… we fear much more being out of the loop on what God has in store for us. And, when His intention seems so abundantly clear, we are nothing, if not curious, of why He chose this way to be the one for now.

Though generally quite good at masking my emotive state, the simplest of tasks has caught me choking back tears. Frustratingly complex, it is hard to reduce the last month of highs and lows into a conclusion. All I can say is that I realize today, more than ever, that I really have no idea what the Lord has ever intended through all of this. Leading, failing, flying, falling, doubting, pushing, realizing… Those things led me here. Peaceably I speak that I trust in Him and still my innermost being ceases to be unafraid. I am assured as Spurgeon once said that, “Ignorance of the future is guaranteed.” And I presume that’s what frightens me most. Though that truth has been ever present, I feel most assured that it knocks more heavily upon my door these days. It beckons me to pack my bags for an adventure unknown, it prompts me to continue packing though my heart and mind would rather not, it tells me to face this new thing with confidence in His plan without my own plan firmly set as once before. My feelings do not change the truth… My feelings simply interfere with my willingness to comply.

I recall the speaker from this year’s graduation ceremony making reference to seeing a fork in the road and his advice: “take it.” Not thinking much of it at the time, I never recognized that though this path had steadily walked us each to a certain point, at the fork we would need to go our separate directions… For a small time, after choosing the fork, each could see the other on their other path thinking the possibility of these roads converging once again might be imminent… And now, the days have passed and we see that our new courses, courses of willful obedience and also, to be honest, courses of obedience as a last resort, are not meant to converge at all right now. It makes me sad. I miss the old road… I miss the path I planned in my head. I mourn the death of expectation and drudge on trying to muster courage without a whole lot of anticipation.

My flesh feels strong and it won’t seem to back down. It prompts me to act and though I want to, I tarry and hope for the Lord to act on my behalf. My “perfect plan” is full of holes that I don’t see. My flesh insists that upon myself I believe. I do not respond for fear of my will acting on its own volition. I pack and prepare not knowing the new plan, simply armed with a basic itinerary for the days ahead. I anticipate the lessons to be full and bearing fruit, but the process of coming to learn these lessons just doesn’t seem inviting and it certainly doesn’t seem pleasurable. Three weeks from now, I wonder what my thoughts will be having gone and returned from this unforeseen solo journey. I leave soon knowing it is God’s will for this time to be walked alone. I pray for the new reality and hope to work myself out of the old one for I expect the longer it takes me to surrender it, the harder it will be. This way is not my choice, but God’s new thing awaits. Though I have much difficulty seeing it, I must believe that if it is His thing then it must be better than my “perfect” plan anyhow. So goodbye expectation. Obedience calls.

Accountability In Your Private World

As many of you know, I recently began the Fellows Program through the CS Lewis Institute. In my efforts to keep the copious amounts of reading organized and relevant in my mind, I have decided to blog pieces of my reflections that I find personally noteworthy or helpful. The last entry came from Margins by RIchard Swenson and today's entry is a set of personal accountability questions I have adapted from Gordon McDonald's book, Ordering Your Private World.

1. Have I been afraid or hesitant to be alone and quiet before Jesus? Or, have I lacked consistency in doing so? Why?

2. Have I given up my inner-most self to Jesus this week? Where am I lacking in self-surrender?

3. Have I been attentive to my personal/private spiritual needs and not just to external demands?

4. Have I committed daily to ensuring that my private world has order?

5. Have I confronted areas of personal and/or spiritual messiness? Have I pursued discipline in those areas?

6. Have I examined where I am driven (pursuing what I/the world says is important) versus where I am called (what God says is important)?

7. Have I formed my purposes, roles, and identity around Christ? Or have I been governed by other motives or pressures?

8. Where am I investing my time? What things threaten my time the most?

9. Do I approach each day trying to grow in knowledge and wisdom? What have I learned this week?

10. How have I applied what I learned in service to others?

11. How have I enlarged the holy spirit's ability to work in my life? Has sin or indifference quenched the spirit at all?

The Process - Part One

The process. It all starts with a few innocuous and seemingly unrelated items. Then, one day, these items are bound together in the synergy of thought and you recognize that these events were not singular, not coincidental, but the collection of ingredients for some divine recipe crafted to give light to a topic or area not yet realized.

This time, it started a few months back during our small group study of James. In James 1 there is a verse that says that “he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” Now humorously, this verse has been somehow remembered as doubt being related to a basket being tossed about on the sea… But the meaning is preserved even still that it is doubt which creates a tumultuous weather pattern in our emotions swaying us with every day’s circumstance, every friend’s closing statement, and so on. Doubt is the father of insecurity for it is doubt which convinces us that our eternal position is neither assured nor real and its product is earthly seeking and earthly found. This is not truth. Doubt makes us feel like a lost scout searching for the breadcrumbs he most definitely left out on his journey to wherever he was going. Doubt tells us our time and hearts must be constantly filled in order to be relevant to our world.

And then there is margin. Margin is a concept that speaks against doubt and fosters focus so that which is eternal can be recognized, taken hold of, and pursued without fear. In my steps from this last season of wilderness to this new season of training, I have recognized that margin is doubt’s rival because to step away and carve out time for our Christ means to shut the door on the world and all the competition it wants me to enter. This is not easy as intentionally stepping into training with the Lord often means stepping out of some of the social offerings that fellowship and community has to offer. In an area where calendar filling trumps character-building, these denials are as hard as any. But, in the book Margins, author Richard Swenson says this, “We need to find maturing, caring people who will love our boundaries as much as they love our attachment… Ask yourself, ‘Do the people closest to me love my no as much as they love my yes?’” That’s a hard one to examine because I’m not always certain that I’m the friend that loves someone else’s “no”… However, I have slowly started to see that stepping away from a clock-induced and socially-influenced society has been the most impactful for me releasing control over my life, my time, and my relationships. When called to something specific, we know the action plan we must follow. Our obedience is aided by our excitement to pursue. Our vision is clear. My margin has given way to a freedom to spend my time running towards the Lord and freedom from my calendar and the pressure to fill open moments with some type of activity. As Margins comments, “The clock and the Christ are not close friends.” Our struggles to relinquish our time are often more difficult than our struggle to relinquish our finances. Why? Because I know I can always make more money, but I can never make more time. Margin frees me to pursue the Christ who has reminded my heart that there is much comfort in not chasing the world.

I am comforted most by this statement by Swenson, “All the while off to one side, courses a narrow uphill road, unadorned and unpopular. It is dusty from sparse use and lonely from lack of travelers. The sole treasure at its end is an elusive commodity called ‘godliness with contentment.’”

Our treasure is surely not found or defined by the world… And each time we dip our bucket back in that well, we find ourselves prone to being tossed about by a place we were never built for. On the first night of the CS Lewis Insitute, president, Tom Tarrants, said this, “We love the world too much to really love God. And, we love God too much to ever be happy in the world.”

The words both ring and sting true…

Here’s to the new journey… As unpopulated and arduous as it may be…